Your favorite, and arguably the greatest, soccer player of all time might join Inter Miami CF in MLS.

As a true fan’s fan, you’ve done your reading, studying up on everything MLS and Inter Miami, his fellow Argentine stars in the league and even how to make the color pink work in your wardrobe at all times of the year. But some crucial questions remain. Namely, what teams should you hate? And why?

Because every hero needs a villain, and every team a rival. And lucky for you, MLS has experienced a renaissance of high-powered clubs popping up in the Southeastern part of the country (that’s where Miami is) as of late, which means Messi won’t be short on derby battles should he join the Herons this summer.

So enjoy your guide to each of those potential matchups below, and remember: Nobody should have to enter a beef without the requisite context of pettiness and spite.

Who are they?

Orlando City SC entered the league as its 21st club in 2015. Their nickname is the Lions, and their crest features said animal with a mane that resembles the sun, as if there isn't another major city in Florida (hint: Miami) that gets a lot of rays. Also, lions have been known to be hostile to Herons who are simply minding their own business, which is rude, and some might say their jersey color, purple, is just a shy person’s pink.

Anyway, their first Designated Player (i.e. star) signing as a club was Brazilian legend Kaka, who, unlike Messi, barely played in the World Cup he won. After missing the Audi MLS Cup Playoffs their first five seasons in the league (it only took Miami two years to make it), the Lions have been on a slight roll as of late, qualifying the last three years running. They also won the 2022 US Open Cup (more on that later).

Where do they stand?

7W-4L-5D, 7th place in Eastern Conference

After a middling start to the year, Orlando are starting to pick up momentum and have currently gone six matches unbeaten, winning three of their last four. Some of their resurgent form can be chalked up to improved play from their current star DP, Facundo Torres, who also earned a call-up to the 2022 World Cup for Uruguay last year, which, unlike Messi, he did not win.

Why they could be a thorn in Miami’s side?

Due to the two clubs’ close proximity, there’s a good chance they’ll play each other in the Open Cup frequently. The US Open Cup is something like an American version of the FA Cup or Copa Argentina, which means it’s single elimination. And there’s nothing more irritating than getting knocked out of a tournament by a rival, which happened to Miami at the hands of Orlando (on penalties no less!) in 2022. To add insult to injury, Orlando ended up winning the whole tournament.

The two sides didn’t face off this year, but at least Miami have enacted some indirect revenge by making the semifinals of the tournament already this year while Orlando were knocked out in the Round of 32.

On the field, Orlando are pretty much a well-balanced team that play an attractive if not ground-breaking brand of soccer. They use a 4-2-3-1 formation, like to keep the ball but aren’t dogmatic about it, often generate attacks through goal-dangerous wingers Torres and Iván Angulo, and have a big No. 9 striker in Ercan Kara who’s a handful to deal with.

Losing to them is kind of like losing to the computer in a video game when you set the difficulty just a little too high.

Who are they?

Atlanta United, also known as the Five Stripes, entered the league in 2017 and, for nearly every club who’s joined since (possibly barring LAFC), pretty much immediately became that older sibling who does everything perfectly (according to them) and lets you know about it. Frustratingly for their rivals, there’s some truth to their claims.

They regularly average over 10,000 more fans at their home stadium, Mercedes-Benz Stadium, per match than any other team in the league, and they also won MLS Cup in only their second year as an MLS club. Moreover, they hold the record for the highest outbound transfer fee in MLS, garnered by selling Miguel Almirón to Newcastle United for a reported $27 million in 2019.

But, much to their vocal fan base's chagrin, not every marquee signing has worked out. The Five Stripes broke the bank for fellow Argentines Ezequiel Barco and Pity Martinez in the late 2010s, and neither reached the peak form or sell-on value Almirón did. Those moves set the club back a few years, and, accordingly, they haven’t made it past the first round of the playoffs since their third year as a franchise, and missed them altogether two of the last three years.

Are they the high school bully that peaked too early?

Where do they stand?

7W-4L-7D, 5th place in the Eastern Conference

To answer the question above, probably not. Atlanta went right back to the strategy of signing a young Argentine star for a record-breaking fee with Thiago Almada in 2022, and this time, they hit. The youngest player on Argentina’s 2022 World Cup squad has been tearing up the league and seems to have found his perfect running mate in Giorgos Giakoumakis, a bruising striker who signed with the club in 2023 and is currently tied for the MLS Golden Boot presented by Audi lead.

The official fan guide recommendation here is to root for Almada to be transferred abroad this summer before he can help his side win any silverware.

Why they could be a thorn in Miami’s side?

If a young Almada outshines an older Messi in a head-to-head matchup, it’ll be another reminder of the inevitability of aging and inescapable mortality inherent to the human condition.

Existential crises aside, when Atlanta are humming, they have the ability to bleed opponents dry through possession and get skillful fullbacks like Brooks Lennon, Caleb Wiley and Andrew Gutman into the attack to devastating effect.

Neither Nashville SC or Charlotte FC are close enough to Miami to be considered true rivals, but they're all at least in the same region of the country, which means more potential US Open Cup matches and more chances to develop a healthy dislike.

The thing to know about Nashville is they’ve had probably the best player in MLS for the last three years running in Hany Mukhtar. The other thing to know is they have one of the best defenses in the league, which means they can play without the ball for most of a match and then steal a goal on the counterattack to win, which, if you’re the other team, is very annoying.

This year, it’s also been very effective, and Nashville sit in second place in both the Eastern Conference and overall Supporters’ Shield standings.

Charlotte, on the other hand, are in just their second year in MLS and haven’t quite found their footing yet, currently sitting 10th place in the Eastern Conference. The thing to know about them is they have an elite attacking player named Karol Swiderski who sometimes plays up top and sometimes plays as an attacking midfielder. Also notable: He started at the World Cup for Poland against Messi’s Argentina and lost.

Charlotte also have an iconic mascot named Sir Minty who will shamelessly pose in front of your city’s most iconic monuments. He must be stopped.